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Monday, June 27, 2011

My Story

This is going to be a very long post, but I promise it is the short version. I don't share personal info much on here but I am trying to come out of my shell a bit more, so I figured why not jump in head first? I already shared the whole lesbian thing, so let's go to the next tough subject: adoption and surrogacy.

I was connected with J through a surrogacy company I volunteered/worked for. I had been helping S with her business for a little while, and had wanted to be a surrogate for a long time, so it seemed perfect. The process was very simple. J was from China but living in the states. S and I met J and set everything up almost immediately. Though J said he was single, I knew he was gay and that was okay with me. I just wanted to help him become a father. He wanted a child more than anything.
I got pregnant right away and had a very early miscarriage. Though my doctor suggested waiting a few weeks, J and S were both very impatient and talked me into doing insems again right away. I got pregnant with Ling. Things were great, I love being pregnant and knowing I could help someone out just made me feel amazing. I talked to J every day on the phone, and S a few times a week. We all kept in touch via text, phone, and email and had a great relationship. J came out to my 6 week appointment and got to hear the heartbeat. He was just beside himself. I knew he was going to be a great dad.
At my 20 week ultrasound, I had to wait until after I was out of the hospital to use my phone because it had no service inside the building. I literally ran outside to call him. I was so excited!! He was having a healthy baby girl. I told the ultrasound tech my story and she gave me twice as many pictures! When I called J, I said "IT'S A GIRL!! A HEALTHY BABY GIRL!!". He told me he was busy and he would have to call me back, and then he hung up before what he said could even register...
I never got a call back from him. When I called him, he would hit ignore. He stopped responding to my texts. He had joked that he wanted a boy, but I just knew he would be happy with a girl. Well, I was wrong. To make a long story as short as possible, J did not want a girl. More specifically, his family back in China would disown him if he had a girl. I obviously found this out late in the process, but I figured they'd get over it if they saw the ultrasound pictures. So I scanned them in and emailed them to him, congratulating him yet again.
When it had been a week with no contact, I contacted S to find out what in the world was going on. She told me she had been in contact with J and he didn't want the baby.
He didn't want his baby.
Now, to back track a bit, I used my eggs and his sperm to conceive this pregnancy. So the baby was biologically mine, but I was a hired surrogate so she was not "mine" to keep. It was a long process but he ended up calling and talking to me and telling me to keep "it". He never ever referred to her as "her". Ever. He always said "it". He said he would pay me the rest of what he owed me, per the surrogacy agreement, and I could keep it (Ling).
I was a single mom of 3 little girls at the time, and was in no position to take on a fourth. Plus, I hadn't even considered her my little girl up until this point. I talked to my mom and we came up with a plan: she was struggling as well so she said we could move in together and help each other out. We did just that. I started getting prepared to bring Ling home. I explained to my daughters that Ling was in fact their sister and we might be bringing her home with us. I always said might, and rarely mentioned it, because I didn't want to confuse them and nothing was set in stone.
When I was about 7 months along, I was contacted by J's lawyer. I was told that he wanted the baby. I of course said no way, but legally I was bound by our contract. He could get out of it (he had stopped paying me my compensation at this point), but I couldn't. All along, S was on his side with everything. She said if I wanted to keep the baby, I wasn't getting any compensation. I told her that was fine... and like I said, just kept getting ready to bring Ling home. There was a lot of work to do and a little time to do it.
I got a lawyer at this point because J's lawyer wouldn't leave me alone. It was hard to find a lawyer with no money and a surrogacy case in my state (there are no laws on surrogacy here and only two lawyers in the state that will touch it). The lawyer I got was an angel, an amazing woman. She didn't charge me a thing, and helped me every step of the way.
However, because of my state's laws, I had to relinquish Ling. The choices were send her to J, or find an adoptive family for her. I looked at adoptive family profiles and settled on one - a single woman from New York. This woman lit up in all of her pictures. When I laid eyes on her, I knew she was meant to be Ling's mom. As hard as it was, I knew that's how it had to be. I contacted this woman right away and we met, went shopping, and just felt like best friends. We emailed a few times a day, and just got to know each other as quickly as possible.
She flew in from her home state when I was in labor, and was in the delivery room. It was a magical experience for her.
After Ling was born, I didn't want to let her go. It was the hardest feeling in the world to explain. I knew she wasn't meant to be mine, but I had carried her for 9 months... I had a nursery for her at home... it was like my baby was being stolen from me and there was nothing I could do about it. Ling's mom stayed in the hospital in another room, and Ling slept in there with her. I got to hold her for a few hours before it was time to leave. I wasn't even in the hospital for 24 hours after I had her. I wanted to get out of there and go crawl in a hole and hide, but I had 3 little girls counting on me so I couldn't do that. I held Ling, took pictures (wish I would've taken more), and took a few videos. My girls got to hold her, and that was that... my mom took them out to the car and I had to hand Ling over to her mom. I truly thought I was going to die of a broken heart at that point. I nearly passed out, couldn't breathe because I was crying so hard when I watched her walk away with my baby.
My baby.
She just walked away and there was nothing I could do about it. They made me sit in a wheel chair and calm down for a little while, and then a nurse walked me to my car. I don't remember much after that... it's all a blur really. We went to court the next day so I could relinquish my rights. I had to sit up on the stand and tell the judge that I realized I was "voluntarily" (yeah right) terminating my rights and it could not be undone. Oh god... what I'd do to take those words back. There was nothing I could do. If I wouldn't have said those words, I just would've been in court with J. I didn't want him to end up with her, and he most likely would have. So I did what I had to do for Ling, and I gave her to her adoptive mother. I always look back and wish I could change it but the truth is, my life is great right now and so is hers. It's a shame we can't spend it together but that's the hand we were dealt. I just hope she understands when she is older, and knows it wasn't a choice I ever would have made willingly.

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At June 27, 2011 at 9:21 AM , Blogger Jingle said...

WOW! I can't believe you went through all of that! I cannot even begin to imagine how you felt throughout that entire process. Thank you for sharing your story. I know it will help others who run up against these hard decisions!

At June 27, 2011 at 9:49 AM , Blogger Natalie said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story, you are a very strong person. You did the right thing for her, not many people would be able to do the same. I was literally crying for you when I read this. I believe she will understand that what you did had to be done.

At June 27, 2011 at 12:46 PM , Blogger MariaS @ HandmadeLove said...

That is all I can say. You are a strong, wonderful woman. I can't believe J did what he did to you and to the baby.

At June 27, 2011 at 7:14 PM , Blogger grneyes07 said...

That is such a touching story, I'm looking into becoming a surrogate for a friend. The baby will be there egg and sperm though. I will only be the oven. Where we are they don't allow you to use your eggs for just that reason. I'm sure she will understand you did what you had to do, you are one stong mama!!

At June 28, 2011 at 7:42 AM , Blogger Laura said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I had never heard of something like this happening, and I can't imagine how this must have felt. I admire your strength to give Ling the best chance at a happy life that you could under the circumstances.

At June 28, 2011 at 11:13 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say that this is a beautiful story and I'm so sorry that it happened to you. I recently went through an ectopic pregnancy and while its not the same as having to give up my child, I understand your pain. I am glad you get to see her though and hope one day she seeks you out. (I am also on Cafemom, I don't post a lot but I am Ivory_Mom1)

At June 28, 2011 at 2:52 PM , Blogger Proud Teen Mom said...

Wow, that guy sounds like a real jerk! I'm sorry you had to go through that. You must be a very strong woman. You did what was best for your baby. I've seen surrogate horror stories in movies, but never heard of one in real life.. again, so sorry you had to go through that.

At June 29, 2011 at 12:18 PM , Anonymous Angela said...

Your selfless love for your daughter is so touching and beautiful! What a lovely lady you are! Thanks for sharing your heart with us. I'm so sorry you were dealt this blow, but what a beautiful response you gave by loving your daughter enough to share her with another mom. Thank you for sharing your story.

At July 18, 2011 at 5:10 PM , Blogger Jennifer said...

That is an amazing story, and I am glad that you shared it! It is always nice to get to know the people you "work" with a little better!

At July 19, 2011 at 4:59 PM , Blogger Sarah said...

This was not the surrogacy story that I came here expecting to read! I am so sorry that you went through that, what a mess. I have heard a few stories like this and it just hurts to hear; this isn't how it should be, you know? Big hugs.


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