My Story

This is going to be a very long post, but I promise it is the short version. I don't share personal info much on here but I am trying to come out of my shell a bit more, so I figured why not jump in head first? I already shared the whole lesbian thing, so let's go to the next tough subject: adoption and surrogacy.

I was connected with J through a surrogacy company I volunteered/worked for. I had been helping S with her business for a little while, and had wanted to be a surrogate for a long time, so it seemed perfect. The process was very simple. J was from China but living in the states. S and I met J and set everything up almost immediately. Though J said he was single, I knew he was gay and that was okay with me. I just wanted to help him become a father. He wanted a child more than anything.

I got pregnant right away and had a very early miscarriage. Though my doctor suggested waiting a few weeks, J and S were both very impatient and talked me into doing insems again right away. I got pregnant with Ling. Things were great, I love being pregnant and knowing I could help someone out just made me feel amazing. I talked to J every day on the phone, and S a few times a week. We all kept in touch via text, phone, and email and had a great relationship. J came out to my 6 week appointment and got to hear the heartbeat. He was just beside himself. I knew he was going to be a great dad.

At my 20 week ultrasound, I had to wait until after I was out of the hospital to use my phone because it had no service inside the building. I literally ran outside to call him. I was so excited!! He was having a healthy baby girl. I told the ultrasound tech my story and she gave me twice as many pictures! When I called J, I said "IT'S A GIRL!! A HEALTHY BABY GIRL!!". He told me he was busy and he would have to call me back, and then he hung up before what he said could even register...

I never got a call back from him. When I called him, he would hit ignore. He stopped responding to my texts. He had joked that he wanted a boy, but I just knew he would be happy with a girl. Well, I was wrong. To make a long story as short as possible, J did not want a girl. More specifically, his family back in China would disown him if he had a girl. I obviously found this out late in the process, but I figured they'd get over it if they saw the ultrasound pictures. So I scanned them in and emailed them to him, congratulating him yet again.

When it had been a week with no contact, I contacted S to find out what in the world was going on. She told me she had been in contact with J and he didn't want the baby.

He didn't want his baby.

Now, to back track a bit, I used my eggs and his sperm to conceive this pregnancy. So the baby was biologically mine, but I was a hired surrogate so she was not "mine" to keep. It was a long process but he ended up calling and talking to me and telling me to keep "it". He never ever referred to her as "her". Ever. He always said "it". He said he would pay me the rest of what he owed me, per the surrogacy agreement, and I could keep it (Ling).

I was a single mom of 3 little girls at the time, and was in no position to take on a fourth. Plus, I hadn't even considered her my little girl up until this point. I talked to my mom and we came up with a plan: she was struggling as well so she said we could move in together and help each other out. We did just that. I started getting prepared to bring Ling home. I explained to my daughters that Ling was in fact their sister and we might be bringing her home with us. I always said might, and rarely mentioned it, because I didn't want to confuse them and nothing was set in stone.

When I was about 7 months along, I was contacted by J's lawyer. I was told that he wanted the baby. I of course said no way, but legally I was bound by our contract. He could get out of it (he had stopped paying me my compensation at this point), but I couldn't. All along, S was on his side with everything. She said if I wanted to keep the baby, I wasn't getting any compensation. I told her that was fine... and like I said, just kept getting ready to bring Ling home. There was a lot of work to do and a little time to do it.

I got a lawyer at this point because J's lawyer wouldn't leave me alone. It was hard to find a lawyer with no money and a surrogacy case in my state (there are no laws on surrogacy here and only two lawyers in the state that will touch it). The lawyer I got was an angel, an amazing woman. She didn't charge me a thing, and helped me every step of the way.

However, because of my state's laws, I had to relinquish Ling. The choices were send her to J, or find an adoptive family for her. I looked at adoptive family profiles and settled on one - a single woman from New York. This woman lit up in all of her pictures. When I laid eyes on her, I knew she was meant to be Ling's mom. As hard as it was, I knew that's how it had to be. I contacted this woman right away and we met, went shopping, and just felt like best friends. We emailed a few times a day, and just got to know each other as quickly as possible.

She flew in from her home state when I was in labor, and was in the delivery room. It was a magical experience for her.

After Ling was born, I didn't want to let her go. It was the hardest feeling in the world to explain. I knew she wasn't meant to be mine, but I had carried her for 9 months... I had a nursery for her at home... it was like my baby was being stolen from me and there was nothing I could do about it. Ling's mom stayed in the hospital in another room, and Ling slept in there with her. I got to hold her for a few hours before it was time to leave. I wasn't even in the hospital for 24 hours after I had her. I wanted to get out of there and go crawl in a hole and hide, but I had 3 little girls counting on me so I couldn't do that. I held Ling, took pictures (wish I would've taken more), and took a few videos. My girls got to hold her, and that was that... my mom took them out to the car and I had to hand Ling over to her mom. I truly thought I was going to die of a broken heart at that point. I nearly passed out, couldn't breathe because I was crying so hard when I watched her walk away with my baby.

My baby.

She just walked away and there was nothing I could do about it. They made me sit in a wheel chair and calm down for a little while, and then a nurse walked me to my car. I don't remember much after that... it's all a blur really. We went to court the next day so I could relinquish my rights. I had to sit up on the stand and tell the judge that I realized I was "voluntarily" (yeah right) terminating my rights and it could not be undone. Oh god... what I'd do to take those words back. There was nothing I could do. If I wouldn't have said those words, I just would've been in court with J. I didn't want him to end up with her, and he most likely would have. So I did what I had to do for Ling, and I gave her to her adoptive mother. I always look back and wish I could change it but the truth is, my life is great right now and so is hers. It's a shame we can't spend it together but that's the hand we were dealt. I just hope she understands when she is older, and knows it wasn't a choice I ever would have made willingly.

Big Changes

So I will probably be all over the place on this post, as I'm a bit upset, but I'm hoping to make some sort of sense. :) I have not had much feedback on recent posts so I'm not sure if I should continue blogging. I like blogging, but sometimes it's discouraging when you leave comments for others and don't get them back.. and I have not been able to return comments as much as I should. I've also seen a lot of good blogs turn into giveaway blogs. While I love winning things, I feel disconnected from those blogs.. it's just weird for me. No idea which direction this blog will be going in. I don't want to give it up.

I just got an email from Erin, the woman I thought I was going to be a surrogate for. After lowering my comp, and playing the waiting game for/with her, she emailed me and said she can't proceed with the surrogacy. After Rachel getting upset and not wanting me to be a surro, after talking Rach into it and getting her on board, after everything... she can't do it. I realize there's a plan and reason for everything, but this pretty much ruins my chances of ever being a surro again, because Rach is going to freak out when I tell her that yet another IP backed out. :/ Heartbreaking, in so many ways.

On a lighter note, I finished my first 5k this weekend. My mom and I did it together, it was a "Sweat for the Vets". This coming weekend we are doing the Breast Cancer Walk in St. Louis. There are supposed to be over 60,000 participants! Rach and I are doing this one together. It will be ... interesting. :)

I lost 5.3lbs last week. I'm hoping I can lose a few more this week. Now that the surrogacy isn't going to happen, maybe I should just focus on getting my body back. I just really wanted to be a surrogate again. :( So I don't know what to do next... *sigh*

Running out of ideas for titles!

We are doing another photo shoot tomorrow, with our new pillow case dresses and our fairy tutu sets. Can't wait to post pictures. Keep an eye out on nelliebugs.com for the new items. I've also added lots of new stuff on the website so feel free to look around. :)

Yesterday, we BBQ'd. Weather was supposed to be clear all day, but it started storming. I caught Grace in the corner, on her knees, praying to God for the storm to go away so she could play on her slip n slide. LOL. Then about 5 minutes later, the storm just disappeared. She's now convinced it was a miracle. She's 5.

I bought the Last Chance Workout DVD. The SHRED was too hard on my knees, and honestly was pretty boring. I was sweating with this DVD.. it's brutal, but low-impact. Exactly what I needed. I'm still losing weight. I have 20lbs to lose before I get pregnant again. I am hoping to be able to be a surrogate for a woman from California. We are also planning on moving to California some time within the next year. I have some legalities with custody and visitation to work out before it all goes through, so we will see. Hopes are up, though.

Jenelle (8) is going to learn the Presidents, states and capitals, and multiplication this summer. We bought school books but she got bored. So we are just going to focus on those three things as well as reading chapter books, using the dictionary, and 3 and 4 digit subtraction.

Grace and Sapphire really need some more structure, but I've been lazy. Starting a new schedule up soon.

My first 5k is this weekend. Wish me luck.

Monday!!!

Friday is Jenelle's last day of school, so I have all week to get a homeschooling schedule together for her. I was considering the possibility of HSing her next year, but have decided against it for many reasons.

1. Jenelle wants to "protect" Gracelynn while she is at school. In reality, they probably won't see each other except for on the bus, but it will make them both feel more secure.

2. We want to move to California within the next 1.5 - 2 years. If that's the case, Sapphire will go to school when she is 5 not when she is almost 6, like here in Missouri. If I HS Jenelle, and then send Sapphire and Grace, I will have a kid at home still and then can't go back to school and/or work, which is a goal of mine.

3. Rachel is very against homeschooling, she didn't like it when we did it last year, and though she has "agreed" to join me with HSing, she isn't too happy about it.

4. I will have more free time to work, go to school, and/or work on the business(es) if the kids are in school. I can still supplement after school or on the weekends, or in the summer like we are doing now.

Gracelynn has been teaching Sapphire a lot. During the time they are supposed to be playing in their room, Gracelynn is "quizzing" Sapphire almost constantly. She asks her about body parts, colors, numbers, shapes, etc. It's absolutely adorable! :) Also, they LOVE puzzles and are awesome at them. So they have been doing a lot of those this past week. They're still learning, just not in the traditional way like we usually do.

On a side note, I wanted to share some good news with my readers/friends. Now it's not a for SURE thing so I'm trying not to get too excited, but it's already too late for that! :) I started talking to a woman from California. Her name is Erin, she's single, and looking for a surrogate. I was *NOT* planning on doing another surrogacy for a single IP, but I truly think she's "the one". I'm beyond excited.. like, I really can't contain it! I have talked to Rachel about it, and she understands I might have to fly to CA once (or twice, including the birth) by myself... hopefully, though, we can find a sitter for the girls so she can come with me. I am, of course, getting ahead of myself.. we aren't even "matched" for sure, but I really think Erin and I are on the same page. It's weird how strong of a connection you can feel through emails, ya know? It's just crazy.

She is going to look into insurance this week, and then we will be working on a contract and lawyers and stuff. So please keep us in your thoughts, prayers, or whatever else you do (I know some dance naked in the forest.. go for it!:) ), because I really want this to work out if it's meant to be. Thanks. :)